I'm Not Smart

I am not a smart man. I'm a person of average intellect, maybe a bit above but nothing to go around flaunting like it's a trophy. I understand this, I know there's no shame in this, why can't others?

There are two things in this world that honestly make me queasy to see growing strong. One is the loss of respect for intellectuals, but that can wait for another time, lord knows plenty have talked about this before me. The second, and the thing I wish to subject you to my rantings about, is the rise of pseudo-intellectuals who are treated as true intellectuals. There, I just used a rather 'fancy' word 'pseudo' yet, magically, my first statement still stands, I'm a man of average intellect. I comprehend that my ability to pull a word out and use it correctly does not make me a brilliant man. Yet, it seems many don't understand this, and are supported by legions of followers that help stroke their ego.

You see, the loss of respect for intellectuals can be fought, pretty easily too; but the rise of false intellectuals commanding respect they don't deserve is harder to fight. I'm going to pull an old classic out here, I blame the times. Why? Because now everyone gets their 'fifteen minutes', and no one wants to be that clod who said 'yup, I'm just a normal dude doing normal things I guess, thanks for the attention though'. No, that's too humble, that's too honest. Now we all want to be seen as a great visionary, a brilliant thinker, a sage among apes. Why? Because it feels good to be respected, and earning it honestly is hard. So, here's what we get, two different schools of 'false intellectuals'. One school is the 'shock school' the other, the 'pompous school'. Really, you can assume the meaning behind the names by using basic context, but just for the sake of indulging my own rant I'll explain them in a handy guide for any future false intellectuals. If you need an ego boost and don't want to actually work, get out the pad and pencil, it's time for note taking. Better yet, just copy and paste into Word, note taking is hard.

The shock school is most common, you can see these people in any walk of life. It's rather funny though, that in many of these cases these people can be found in positions that already should be respected, scholars, teachers, creators, that stuff that's 'nerd work' I guess. The shock school is guerrilla intellect, to be a member all you need is a love to hear the phrase "HOW DARE YOU". I mean really love, I'm talking perversion here. To use this school, all that must be done is for you to take a controversial view. Don't worry about thinking them up though, there's a wide buffet of garbage to dine on, all brought to you by your local media who just LOVE to do stories on how wicked and mean your predecessors are. It's easy, really, just get in a public discussion (remember, if there's not a crowd you're not doing it right) and say something like 'we deserved 9/11' or 'I think the holocaust was overblown', or anything else you can find on any message board full of teenagers crying about how their parents are Nazis. Oh yes, bonus points if you can compare someone to a Nazi, because remember, killing millions of people and oppressing many more is the exact same as holding a different ideal then you. Now, here's the fun part, when you're soon called to the carpet on your outrageous statement, don't use real facts to back it up, in fact, don't treat the discussion as anything more then you being victimized. Remember, YOU'RE the victim here, how dare these philistines not accept your idea unquestioningly. Don't debate the topic like a mature adult, that's for those nerds who earned their position in the academic circles, all you need to do is remind the crowd that you're the only smart one. Point out any grammar or spelling mistakes your opponent makes, mention that he most likely voted for someone you don't like, and claim every fact and figure he uses is misleading, biased, or just outright false, even if sources are given. Remember, this isn't about supporting your claim or proving you're right, you're right because you said so already, this about making sure everyone knows anyone on the other side is stupid. It's not a different opinion, it's ignorance. Beware though, they may have the nerve to call YOU the ignorant one, use this as a chance to flaunt all your academic achievements you've ever made in any field, that second prize you got in the spelling bee in grade school? Heck yes it has merit to prove how much you know about the conflict in the middle east. The prize you won for great skill in Chemistry? Of course it helps your claim that minorities are inherently stupid, how dare they disagree, it's all the same science! Just remember, always attack, never defend, you don't need to defend yourself, you've already said you were right.

The second school is more rare, mainly because it requires real work to get into. This is the pompous school. Just say the name, doesn't that sound so much classier then the other school? Better, say it in a European accent, they're all the same, just pick one. So, how does one get into this prestigious school? Well, the vulgar side of me wants to simply say 'take your head, shove it firmly into your rear, and leave there' but that wouldn't be as fun. For one, call yourself a 'citizen of the world', trust me, you need this for your future debates. Mainly, it makes you sound cultured, even if you've never left your own state, but aside from that it will grant you immunity to later claims you make. Secondly, attach an accent to your name, anywhere you want. Of course, this rule only works if your parents didn't already put an accent there. For example, Chad can be pronounced 'shad' or 'chad-aye' with proper accent use. Better then accents, add a second vowel to any ones already in your name. This gives the illusion of exotic history while not needing you to remember a new name to use, just remember to very firmly remind people 'no no, it's 'Lisa' with an 'e' at the end', you're so much better then those common Lisas. Third, get a degree from a college. Any degree, any college, but you get bonus points if it's something like Philosophy or Ethics or something. No don't worry, you don't need to know Plato's cave allegory's meaning or anything by the end of your college life. You just need to decide what you think it means, then insist it's the ONLY way it can be interpreted. Now you're done! You're free now to apply for any position of power over people you can think of, after all, teaching people is so much easier if you can MAKE them agree, isn't it?

How do you go about teaching you ask? Why, it's simple, simply make a claim, any claim. Unlike those fools in the shock school you don't need to stick to inflammatory comments, the world is your oyster, and you have the drill. Who cares if a hammer is a bad tool to use for oysters, you have it, that makes it good. Now, here's where you divert from your so called 'peers' in the academic world, rather then encouraging frank, open, and safe discussion of your claim and its opposing views, simply claim that you're right, everyone else is wrong, and you will make their lives miserable until they agree. Unlike the shock school, your goal is to prove how smart you are, and let everyone just assume that means the other person is stupid. How is this done? Simple, Google 'trivia'. Find a page nice and full of random facts about things, hopefully a wide array of things. Now, memorize those facts. No! Don't study why those facts are true! Don't take the time to learn just why an ant can lift ten times its body weight! Just memorize the fact, that's all you need. Now, wait for a debate, if one doesn't come to you, start one. Once the debate is in full force, start whipping these facts out, one after another, machine gun style. No no, it doesn't matter that none of these facts are relevant, the point is you know them. Now, how could a person who knows so many facts not be smart? Did the other guy remind everyone that bats are not really blind, they simply have amazing hearing? No, that fool was still discussing the topic, what a boob. Ok, the crowd is on your side, they see how smart you are, now drop the other boot, show them how cultured you are too! See, this is where that 'citizen of the world' stuff helps. That way once you say "I wouldn't expect an /American/ to understand the finer points of German politics" (Remember, say American like it's a curse), and your opponent points out that you have lived in the same state as him all your life, you can say 'yes yes but I'm a citizen of the WORLD thank you." Pick a country, any country at all, wikipedia it, learn some phrases in its most common language, and bam, you're an expert! The same works for food and drink, remind everyone that the champagne your host bought for the party isn't REALLY champagne since it came from...ugh...Normandy and not Champagne like it should. No it doesn't matter that the host is an old friend and the party is actually a surprise for you he worked hard on, this fool had the nerve to call sparkling white wine from Normandy 'champagne', and it wouldn't be a party without people fawning over your great culture, would it? One last note, remember to flaunt that degree, even if it's not relevant to the topic, remember, that degree makes you a better human being.

Now, after reading all that, do you see why this makes me ill? I was raised believing education and knowledge are the keys to life, that nothing is more important then learning. Most of all, though, I was taught that the truth matters. We've forgotten those two things, learning and the truth, we've allowed ourselves to think anyone who uses a big word or makes a radical claim is a great mind. We've turned being a true intellectual into something to be reviled and mocked. We've turned people who are honestly cultured into elitists and snobs, while 'citizens of the world' are to be honored and respected no matter how honest that claim is. Worst of all though, we've been taught to not disrupt these people, these same people who wear their Che Guevara shirts without knowing anything about the man, these same people who always say 'fight the power', these people are never to be questioned, never to be demanded to back up their claims with real facts. Worst of all, they're never expected to earn the respect they get. I'm allergic to these people, my mind retches in their presence, they make me sick. More then that though, their fans make me sick, their sycophantic followers who defend every word as gospel, who never demand reason for their admiration. They make me more then sick, they make me ashamed.